I have written a lot about how the way to write advertising is changing, both here and in the “How To” guides that are published on the Hamilton House site (www.hamilton-house.com) Below is an example of an email I have received which, in my opinion, gets it totally wrong.
Dear Mr Tony Attwood,
Measuring outcomes is a crucial part of providing services for children and young people.
Understand how you can embed measurement into your service to ensure you are delivering quality service provision in your area at Children & Young People Now’s Measuring Impacts & Outcomes one-day conference being held on 9 July in Birmingham.
** THERE ARE ONLY 3 DAYS LEFT TO SAVE £50. Secure your place before this Thursday 4 June @ http://ecz71If8waw2I0 **
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What’s wrong with this?
“Dear Mr Tony Attwood” is pointless. People write “Dear Tony” or “Dear Mr Attwood” – but that salutation just says “Automatic naming system here”. What’s the point in that?
The opening 2 paragraphs are fine – they tell me the subject area, and then tell about the conference. I don’t think it is very elegantly written but, maybe that’s my personal opinion.
But then, having treated me as a professional who is making professional decisions about whether to go to a conference THEY START SHOUTING AT ME ABOUT SAVING MONEY.
That sudden change both in style and subject really destroys the whole thing. First, why SHOUT and secondly if you are selling something as a professional piece, why suddenly go into the money side of things. The rule is, either sell because it is exactly the product the recipient wants, or sell it because it is discounted.
I have truncated the web site address that follows, but it was a mass of code with no clear indication who it was for. I think that’s a mistake – if you are sending someone to a page either make it a short link, or if that is not possible turn it into a Tiny url.
(Topics like this, in which we look at individual adverts etc, are normally dealt with on the Creative Direct news service. If you’d like to join that group send an email to CreativeDirect-subscribe@yahoogroups.com – and then just click reply to the email you get back).
Tony